Fat, Little Sh**!!! - Roast Corn & Ube
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Fat, Little Sh**!!!

I don’t swear.


I don’t use swear words, four-letter words or expletives.

I don’t even think them.

The foulest word that comes to mind and mouth when I am excited or upset is ‘Bloody’ or the phrase ‘Bloody hell’ and even then I apologise.

But on the first day of the third month of last year, I swore.

You see, there’s this girl that works at the reception. She was hired on account of her expertise, connection to the CEO; everyone knew it. I wonder why she thought no-one could tell.

She was a picture of sullenness and surliness; nowhere near what her job specification required. She was also fat, short and had rat-tailed hair.

I avoided her as much as possible, tried to come in five minutes earlier than the start of the work day,  so I wouldn’t see her face in the morning. It reminded me of curdled milk and mouldy bread; enough to put one off Full English breakfast for life.

Anyway, on this fateful day, I slept early because I wanted to get up extra early and finish off two of my outstanding projects. Projects and toilette done, I headed off to the office. I wanted everything to be just right. It was going to be my big moment.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have said that part out loud because the moment I stepped out of my front door, everything went pear-shaped.

First, I locked myself out; keys left on the side table by the front door.

Then I missed my bus because I spent three futile minutes, pulling at the door as if that would have solved anything. Too impatient to wait for the next one, I sprinted to the bus stop on the side street to catch the alternative bus… it pulled away from the kerb just as I turned the corner.

Hot, sweaty and bothered, I called for a cab which arrived almost immediately, wonder of wonders! Then we got stuck on the high street rush hour traffic!

A limp, bedraggled me arrived at the office just in time, but not a lot to spare.

“You are late!”, a high-pitched whine from down below.

I had no idea that the whine was directed at me so I carried on…walked past the reception to swipe my card and…that whine again.

“Didn’t you hear me, Charlotte or have you got your finger stuck up your a*** again?”

No one, no one; least of all, a fat, short unpleasant ball of dough, called me ‘Charlotte’ and used offensive language in the same sentence. I was ‘Charlie’ to everyone except my father.

I halted mid-stride.

“Good. Next time, I prefer not to run after you to deliver any messages.”

With an alarming dexterity, I plucked the Post-It note from her hand without actually turning and looking at her.

“Next time, you have any need to speak to me, address me as ‘Charlie’ or nothing at all, you fat, little sh**!”

A gasp, followed by tens of gasps rolled over me as I walked off, swiped my card and got into the lift to my office.

Minutes later, Johnny at security popped his head through my door.

“Mr Gaines would like to speak to you”, he said sternly, the twinkle in his eye giving his true feelings away.

I took my time in getting to the CEO’s office. Fat, little sh** was already there.

I knew which way this was going to go; it went that way all the time. I stood, uninterested, waiting for the reproof, the reproval, the harangue I knew was coming.

“Nettie, how many times have I warned you not to speak to Charlotte with disrespect,” Mr Gaines, my father, the CEO of Gaines & Fuller Inc. asked my cousin wearily. “She’s ‘Charlie’ to you and everyone else.”

Two astonished faces stared back at him.

For the first time in a very, very long time, my father stood up for me.


For the first time, in a very, very long time, I called him ‘dad’.

  • Kachi
    Posted at 17:48h, 05 October Reply

    I hardly ever watch tv and so today when i decide to watch, i got a notification and i was like who is this kill joy?? then i paused to read its content. before i tell you i am sending this link to all my whatsapp contacts… oh.. oops. please tell me you are writing a book???

    This is so good. ( and so short. ugh)

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 17:53h, 05 October Reply


      I just love the way you comment! It’s so brutally honest, like my other e-friend, SpeakNoEvil; she’s hilarious!

      Thanks for visiting and sharing; I really do appreciate that. I think that you will make a very interesting character for one of the narratives going on in my head…who knows were it will lead…???

      • Kachi
        Posted at 18:08h, 05 October Reply

        “I think that
        you will make a very
        interesting character for one
        of the narratives going on in
        my head…who knows were it
        will lead…???”


        guess who has found a reason to live for another day???

        • Obisco1
          Posted at 18:11h, 05 October Reply

          Aww, Kachi!

          That’s deep! Live, please. Your comments are without bias. I need that to keep my head in check.

  • Ego
    Posted at 18:09h, 05 October Reply

    I definitely didn’t want it to end! More please!!!

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 18:12h, 05 October Reply

      Daalu so for your encouragement. It’s the fuel I need to keep going.

  • SpeakNoEvil
    Posted at 00:41h, 06 October Reply

    Obisco1, I try to keep my comedic genius and brutal honesty under wraps, but since you have discovered my secret, I need to always be on point. 😉

    Nice story. I was not expecting the CEO to be her dad just because of how she described “rat hair’s” relationship to him. Some rank-pulling should have been going on since before the final confrontation.

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 07:33h, 06 October Reply

      Thanks my dear.
      I love to hear from you because like Kachi, I trust that you will be incisive. I hear you. ?

  • tessadoghor
    Posted at 14:49h, 08 October Reply

    You are so nasty
    I have called someone short and fat before.
    I was defending a family
    Not calling a family short and fat
    You went too far, that is just plain offensive…


    • Obisco1
      Posted at 20:09h, 08 October Reply

      Dear Tessa,

      Welcome to my world of fiction and thanks ever so much for visiting, commenting and following.

      My characters take on a life of their own and this one decided to express herself thus…

      Not all my characters are people without blemish…they reflect the world they inhabit.

      Please visit often.

      Thanks once again


    • Adaeze
      Posted at 18:25h, 10 October Reply

      I fail to see the nastiness in describing a person as short and fat if they actually are, what should she have said? Vertically challenged? Spatially challenged? Those are not derogatory words. It’s funny how you failed to talk about the truly derogatory words used by the protagonist.

      • Obisco1
        Posted at 19:25h, 10 October Reply

        Adi bekee!

        I don’t suppose she understood it was all fiction….

        Anyway, thanks for providing a different perspective!

  • The Versatile Nigerian
    Posted at 22:01h, 08 October Reply

    You write really really well. You hold my attention from start to finish.

    SpeakNoEvil is on another level. By the way, she has her own blog now…:-)

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 22:23h, 08 October Reply

      Thank you, my dear. I am humbled ny your praise…coming from you.

      I have to go visit her kiakia!

      • Obisco1
        Posted at 06:14h, 09 October Reply

        You can tell I was half asleep! !!

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