Age and Metabolism - Roast Corn & Ube
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Age and Metabolism

Metabolism raised a lazy eyebrow at my panicked query.

“Age, my dear,” she inclined her raised eyebrow to her companion sitting beside her, “Age has slowed me down too.”

“But what am I supposed to do? Look at my belly! It looks like someone stuck a round-bottomed cooking-pot in it and forgot it there!”

“Not my problem, dear. You need to exercise.”

“But I never had to exercise before, NEVER! You saw to that!”

Metabolism shook her head ruefully, as one might to a child who doesn’t ‘get it’.

“You just don’t get it do you?” she intoned gravely. “At that time, I was ‘High’ Metabolism; now I’m just Metabolism.”

“So what does this mean for me?” By now, I was getting frantic.

“It means,” exasperation had made her voice tight, “that whatever weight you put on, you can’t ‘put off’ just like before. You have to work it off.”

I wanted to scream above the sound of Billy Ocean’s voice crooning to his Caribbean Queen in the background. I wanted to yell in frustration; to stamp my feet and pull my hair like I used to as a child. I wanted to throw a tantrum, the size of Loma Mountains until my face turned lava-red.

Size 14/16 for goodness sake! When? When did that happen? I had always been a size 10/12; not quite 10 but not quite 12 either – just somewhere in between.

I had always been able to eat whatever I wanted, however I wanted to and whenever I wanted without so much as gaining a gram.

But…all that changed when Age visited.

“Everyone gets older”, Age pronounced sagely.

“I know that,” I replied stiffly, loathe to disrespect and risk her wrath. “But do you have to be so brutal? Look at my boobs; they are almost at eye level with my feet! My laugh lines? Well, they are carved so deeply, I have to use my nail file to scrape my face cream out of them! To cap it all, I’m developing some kind of beer gut and I don’t even drink beer!” The last line came out at an octave higher than Amaechi Muonagor’s screech when Aki and Pawpaw pranked him in Aki Na Ukwa.

Age turned to Metabolism; they both turned to me, their gazes intense.

What seemed like millions upon millions of seconds passed by.

I squirmed like a dying worm under a cascade of salt; I hopped on one foot and then another like a village grasshopper; I looked up to the ceiling and down to the floor, lizard-like. Their gazes never wavered.

“Alright!” I snapped. “Spit it out!”


“Please?” I mollified my tone.

“Is that all you think of when you think of me, of us?” Age queried gently. “Do these words – Wisdom, Experience, Patience – mean nothing to you?”

“Try Slow, Dull, Past Sell-By-Date,” I muttered under my breath.

Age shook her head sadly, her long grey locs whipping gently back and forth.

Metabolism heaved a sigh, deep as the deceptive Mmili-Ani where children played river ball one moment and drowned the next.

“Curvy, Sleek, Real?” She sounded sceptical, as if she’d concluded that she was wasting her time with me?

They were both right. I was just too stubborn to accept it. Time had passed, Age had visited and High had left Metabolism.

But, I couldn’t deny that as Age came, skin blemishes fled and acceptance settled in; as High left, Metabolism carved me into a body that any Renaissance painter would have died for. The next deep sigh to be heard was mine.

Age rose gracefully, her grey locs swaying majestically. Metabolism followed, undulating, as sleek as Ide Mmili. They looked at each other once again then back at me.

“You are a sleeker, finely-honed version of your former self. You should thank us.”

I felt a shift within. All of a sudden, everything felt so crisp, so clear. Billy Ocean was still playing but he was now in the ‘Love Zone’.

“Are you going to waste that tune?” Metabolism asked, her body undulating even more.

My legs replied and my hips followed shortly.

“No, no I’m not. This is exercise isn’t it?”

“No, it’s nothing but a number,” Age replied cheekily, “Dance.”

  • Adaeze
    Posted at 21:17h, 23 November Reply

    I can definitely relate although I’ve never had “high” metabolism. Well tis time for you to work out *sticking out my tongue*

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 21:35h, 23 November Reply

      Work out ko! Work in ni!
      I’m off to bed o jare! Have to be up early tomorrow.
      Thanks for stopping by.

  • Kachi
    Posted at 23:22h, 24 November Reply

    Christ is going to come by the time I get to 50. 55 max. I don’t think I can stand myself being soggy; looking like akamu on its embarrassing way to agidi. Plus I don’t think I’ld be interesting as an old person. I will constantly cuss young people for being too juvenile and will forever hang on to the ‘In my time’ phrase. Lol.

    Lovely post. Descriptions needed more light tho. But It’s good.

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 19:14h, 25 November Reply


      Kachi! You don come again o!

      I doubt that you will be akamu or agidi as the case may be and anyway, 50 is the new 20,30 whatever you wish it to be.
      Cussing juvies is part of being old and ‘privileged’. You don’t have to worry about what people think 😉

      Thanks for coming around. Always love having you.

  • SpeakNoEvil
    Posted at 13:54h, 29 November Reply

    What happens when we combine age and metabolism with living in a country where junk screams out for you and walking (abi exercising) seems like a foreign concept.

    My workout will start tomorrow and of course when tomorrow comes, it becomes today, so my workout shall be postponed till tomorrow. 😉

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 23:33h, 01 December Reply

      I know…sedentary lifestyle is a killer!
      You have to be above and beyond self-motivated and then some!

  • hrh7
    Posted at 13:35h, 07 December Reply

    Do Wisdom, Patience and Experience mean nothing to you?
    I love that line.
    I want to get those and keep them this time.
    Btw, have a good sleep 😉

    • Obisco1
      Posted at 15:18h, 07 December Reply

      You’re welcome to them any time, any day.
      Thanks for visiting
      (I’m yet to have a good sleep!)

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